The Write Way

How Can You Help?

As we begin to celebrate the Christmas season, I wanted to first say how much I've enjoyed writing about my experience as a foster and adoptive parent. I hope it has been a source of comfort and information for anyone struggling with infertility.  For others, I hope it has given you pause to really consider fostering and adopting a child (or children).

I am not however, naive. I know that foster parenting and adoption isn't for everyone. But there are others ways that you can help.  During this season of giving, find an organization in your area collecting gifts for children and donate an item or two. If you have a few hours to spare each month, think about mentoring a child in the foster care system or helping a teenager, with little hope of finding a family, decide what their future will hold.

Of course, you can always look for a worthy organization and donate in honor of someone who made your childhood a special one.  Whatever you choose, remember that children in foster care are the responsibility of all of us.

Statistics from the Annie E. Casey Foundation show that children who become adults as wards of the state are more likely to end up homeless or incarcerated.  One way or another, if they don't get the help they need, they become a problem for society and when that happens, we all pay.

Along with gifts for my two babies, I am coordinating the donation of gifts for 10 girls at a group home in my area. They are beautiful girls who need love and support. I am proud to be a part of their lives.

There are so many ways that you can help. If you want more information on organizations in your area, send me an e-mail, thompson566@msn.com or comment on this blog and I'll get the information to you. Until next Monday...live well, love true and know there is a child who needs you.

A Picky Eater and a Raspy Voice

I can't believe the holidays are here! My list seems to get longer every year and with two little ones, I have to make sure that each has the same number of gifts, if I want to keep the peace! I haven't told you much about my two munchkins and I want to dedicate this week's blog to them. My son, Charles is six and my daughter, Jalyn is five.

Charles is a picky eater who hates to have his food touch and will eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (cut in half) for lunch everyday. He's very athletic, smart, he loves to read (the library is one of his favorite places) and he is a nerd! I say that with all of the love a mother can have for a child, but my sisters forced me to be honest about my son "nerdiness" when I told them he asked for a white lab coat for Christmas so he could practice being a scientist! I mean, if that isn't nerd, what is? He loves animals and also dreams of being an animal saver as well as a professional football player. He doesn't quite understand that he must play high school football, college ball and then maybe make the pros. He thinks he should be able to just walk on to the field for the Bengals (his favorite team this week).

My daughter eats anything, has the deepest little voice I've ever heard for a girl, loves to dance and can't hold a tune or keep the beat to save her little life! She has the prettiest brightest smile I've ever known and an infectious laugh. She too loves to read and tries to keep up with her brother. While she can be a tomboy, strangely, she is also at the same time, a girly girl. She loves to get her nails done and shoes? Shoes are her favorite accessory! I love to tell the story of what happened when we met. As you may remember, she was two when she came to us. Their rooms are upstairs, but for the first few nights, she slept downstairs, just in case the new environment was scary for her, I wanted to be able to get to her quickly. She was very quiet and reserved in the first few days. And then, the weekend came. I took her to the mall to buy a few new things. First stop, the shoe store. When we walked in and I picked up a pair of shoes for her to try own she said "Mommy, shoes are for me?" I told her of course sweetie. And I have been mommy ever since.

For my son, he has known no other mommy or daddy and surprisingly, he never wondered about his place when other children would come and go in our home.  When Jalyn came to us, he asked if she would be his sister for a long time or just a little while. He always knew that he was permanent, he just wanted to be clear about everyone else.

For me adoption has been the best decision I could have made. And I often think about how different life may have been for my babies if I had rejected the idea of becoming a mommy in a non-traditional way. I am glad God chose me to be different. It allowed me to be open to more possibilities. And look at what a blessing that has been. 

The A Word

I can't believe November is almost over and there is so much more to say! But who says it can only be discussed during the month of November? The problem of too few homes and too many foster children in need of a home is year round. And as we come upon the holiday season, I know many of you may be looking for places to donate your time and talents. I hope that you will consider participating or starting a foster care angel tree in your area (more on that later).

So, on with my story.  After my second surgery, my husband and I began the process to adopt a girl.  A 5-week old was placed with us.  We fostered her until she was a little over a year. But then, her mother got out of jail and began requesting visits with her. It's too long to get into but we decided that reunification with her mother seemed eminent and we couldn't risk having our son bond to the point where separation would be difficult for him. Then, he was only about three.   It was a hard decision but we asked that she be removed from our home. I cried for days, wondering if I should have had more faith that it would work out. But we were foster care veterans and in my gut, it felt like the right thing to do.

So we then requested that the rights of the parents be all but severed before they placed another child with us. And then we got the call about our daughter. She was two at the time and had been removed from a foster home found to be unfit. She had been in care since birth. As with my son, I don't get into too many details about how she came to be in care, but she know that her situation was just as heartbreaking as my son's. After a year, the adoption was ready to be finalized and off to the courthouse we went.

But what should we tell the children about the significance of what would happen there? Thank God my husband and I made the decision from the beginning to be honest with our children about being adopted. For me, it's way too difficult to try and keep it a secret. Everyone who knows me knows I've never been pregnant! And how would I explain no pictures my pregnancy? Or, no pictures of my daughter as a baby (remember she was two when she came to us).

So we told our little ones that mommy's tummy was broken and so another lady carried them for me.  We bought a book written by an African American woman who adopted (It's called A is for Adopted, by Eileen Tucker Cosby).  They will grow up knowing they were adopted and won't have to deal with the shock of the day they learned about the A word. I mean, let's be honest, no matter how much parents try to hide it, somehow most children end up learning the truth about their adoption. I would rather they hear it from  us.

Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of. I am honored to have the opportunity to be the loving mother my children so desperately needed. Sometimes they ask me questions about it. My son wants to know when mommy's tummy is going to get better. And my daughter was reluctant to believe (at first) that she didn't come from my belly. We look back at the photos from adoption day for both of them and we all beam with pride. We call it the day the judge said they were ours forever and ever.

And as for the baby before my daughter... it turns out my gut was right.  A few years later her mother became pregnant for a third time (she has a boy in the system who is the oldest). This time, she wanted to do better. And so the judge's edict... in order to keep her unborn child, she had to agree to take my former foster daughter. And at 4-years-old she began a new life with her biological mother. I check on her periodically. She is still with mom, but if something ever happens... my husband and I have already decided we will be there to pick up the pieces.

Biology is Just a Science Term

When I actually realized that my hunch all along was correct, I was relieved -  but not for the reason you might think. I felt as though I was vindicated in my decision not to focus on getting pregnant. After my first major surgery, my doctor said I had a small window of opportunity to try and get pregnant. He recommended that we start trying to get pregnant as soon as I was feeling 100%. Instead of taking that advice, I immediately asked for a prescription for birth control. Remember, my son was already about 8 months old by this time. When I told my doctor that I had decided not to try getting pregnant he asked why. I told him that I had given it a full year and that was it. His response? "In the condition you were in, there was no way you would have gotten pregnant."

Still, I didn't want to take the risk. And yes, for me, it felt like a risk. I've watched friends obsess over getting pregnant. They've been poked, prodded and injected and still, nothing. Some have even gone as far as to think that perhaps God just didn't want them to be a mother.  I didn't want to get to get wrapped up in that.

I watched a show once about a woman who had been through five in-vitro treatments.  Before the last treatment, doctors isolated the problem she seemed to have. There was some sort of problem with the lining of the wall in the egg she produced each month. She had a friend who agreed to take medication that would induce the production of more than the one egg a month women normally produce. Those eggs were removed from the friend, fertilized by the woman's husband and then implanted in her.

As I watched, I found myself almost rooting for her for this to work. It meant so much to her. But after a few weeks blood test results came back negative. She was devastated. And then I realized that like so many, she had become wrapped up into the whole pregnancy process instead of focusing on the parenting. Think about it. If this process had worked, technically, this child would not have been hers. Remember, she used the eggs produced by a friend. I don't want to ever belittle the bond that mother and child form during pregnancy - but pregnancy lasts for nine months, parenting lasts a lifetime.

With all of the children in need of a home, I wish more couples would not think of adoption as a final choice when all else fails. Honestly, I have found my infertility liberating. It just gave me more of an open mind to explore other possibilities.  I didn't want to get so wrapped up in trying to get pregnant that I lost sight of the opportunity to be a mommy. I have a friend who spent more than 8 years trying to get pregnant. Every time she had a procedure, she would tell herself that if it didn't work, it would be the last.  By now, she could have been a mom many times over. She and her husband just recently began as foster parents.

I am not denying anyone's right to try everything they can to get pregnant. I just hope that while they are trying, they remember that there are children waiting, just in case things don't work out the way they planned. Remember biology is just a term in science class. It has nothing to do with a mother's ability to love her child, even if that child is adopted. Take it from one who knows. I couldn't love my children anymore if I tried.

Oh, and by the way, standing my ground about trying to get pregnant was definitely the right choice. The fibroids and endometriosis returned. I had a partial hysterectomy at 29, and I couldn't be happier.

Foster to Adopt 101

So, where did I leave off?

I won't bore you with the details but basically I learned in my mid-twenties that the problems I had with terrible cramping and horrible cycles were related to my infertility. I had fibroid tumors and severe endometriosis.  Having the two conditions doesn't make me unique. There are thousands, indeed millions of women all over the world struggling with the same issues. What does make me unique is my response to the news.  I didn't consult my doctor because I wanted to discover what I needed to do to get pregnant. I went to him because the pain was unbearable and as luck would have it, the two things were related. Remember, pregnancy wasn't all that appealing to me, I had tried to get pregnant, for 365 days - nothing (more on that later).

Anyway, after a scope to diagnose the problem, my doctor informed my family that I would need major surgery to deal with the issue. By this time, my husband and I had been foster parents for almost two years and we had adopted our first child.

My son was four days old when he came into our lives - from the hospital to our home.  He has no knowledge of any other mom or dad. Out of respect for his privacy, I rarely discuss the conditions surrounding his placement in foster care. Just know that his parents were unable to care for him and he was rendered a ward of the State at birth. I fell in love at first sight. We bonded in no time and I took care of him as if I had given birth to him.

I won't lie, as much as I am an advocate of adopting through the foster care system, it isn't for the faint of heart. You have to get with a good agency and make sure you understand how the process works.  You have to ask the right questions, talk to others who've done it and be flexible! For example, my first go round, I didn't care if the child was a boy or a girl. The more stipulations you have, the harder it makes it to place a child in your home. I also was flexible about the age. Although I wanted a baby and ultimately adopted a baby, we were willing to take a child up to age two. Now if they called me with a three year old, would I have said yes? ABSOLUTELY! My husband and I had discussed just how far up the age ladder we were willing to go.

Always remember that this isn't like a private adoption. By that I mean you may not get everything you hope for. Your ideal child to adopt may be an African American boy, no more than six months of age with no health issues. They may call you about a bi-racial child (Black and another race) 12 months old with slight asthma. All of the children in care are there because they have been abused or neglected. They all need a home. Be conscious of that before you say no.

Never forget that it ain't over until it's over - this is the biggest hurdle for many. As I said before, foster to adopt means the chances for adoption look really good, but a relative may pop up at the last minute. It's heart-breaking to think of the possibility that the child may leave, but remember, in many states, biological parents have the right to change their minds up to a certain amount of time even in a private adoption. So, the same risk applies. My son wasn't the first child placed in our home. There were two before him. It was hard at times, but I took comfort in knowing that while those children were in our care they were safe, happy and loved. For that moment in time, they were where God needed them to be and my husband and I were chosen to care for them.

Foster care is a great option to adopt for people with love to give but little money.  There's virtually no cost to finalize the adoption and in Florida (check your state to see if the same applies), assistance is provided for families who adopt African American children and children with special needs even after the adoption is final.

As we go through this process together this month, feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions about foster care and adoption. I can't put it all in a blog! E-mail me at thompson566@msn.com. Until next time!