The Write Way

Cat Got Your Tongue?

So you wont' believe what's been going on with me. On top of working and being a wife and mom I sing. And I've noticed lately that I am having trouble reaching part of my range or that I tend to get hoarse easily after talking or singing. I thought perhaps it was sinuses, but I finally went to see an ENT.

I have (or had) a huge nodule on my right vocal chord. After 30 days or steroids, the sucker refused to get any smaller, so I had to have it surgically removed. The recovery... absolutely no talking for at least two weeks (sigh).

I am in day four and I am about to go CRAZY! Aside from work, I am after all, the mother of two children, including a special needs child  who can't seem to remember why mommy won't answer her questions. Even my son and husband have a hard time remembering.  And while it's driving me nuts - just helping my son with his homework tonight wiped me out - it has been strangely liberating.

It's because it's taught me the importance of delegating. As the minister of music at my church I wear many hats musically. Well guess what, can't do that right now. And sometimes when you feel like people don't step up to help, you find that they can step up when there's no other option. Maybe they wanted to all along but I was in the way (OUCH!).

Even with my children and husband it's teaching me to just let some stuff go. Just let my husband handle it and even it I am not completely pleased, hey, it's done, no one got hurt, it's over.  I'm learning how important it is to take care of my own needs, no matter how many responsibilities I may to others. I can't be any good to anyone if I am drained.

Now, don't get me wrong. I miss my voice. I have always taken being able to sing for granted, it was just something I knew how to do. And talking? Well, that too was like second nature. I am more grateful for singing and talking and I plan to take better care of my voice once I am allowed to use it again. Good thing I like to write.

So I'll let you know how the next two weeks go (leaving me alone with my thoughts may prove to be dangerous). Meanwhile, in the coming days I have some updates on my children to share. I'm getting closer to being able to put in print what I have been able to say verbally. Somehow, typing it or writing it down just seems so permanent. Anyway, like I say, bear with me.

So, You Didn't Want Kids of Your Own?

It's funny. The whole idea of adoption was never a foreign concept to me. I suppose it's  because I grew up in an environment where taking care of those in need was just what you did. So when my husband and I began to date I asked how he felt about adoption. By now you know that getting pregnant just wasn't high on my list of priorities. Don't misunderstand, I wanted to be a mom, I just didn't feel like I had to get pregnant to make that happen.

So we took classes to become foster parents and from there we adopt. People throw me a shower. They want to see the baby and they talk about how cute he is. And then, right after they tell me how happy they are for me they say "...so you didn't want any kids of your own?" Or, there's my personal favorite,
"...I mean, were you able to have kids?"

Wow. How do you respond to questions like those without getting offended? While I know no one means to be insensitive, it just underscores how much of a mystery adoption is to many. Even in my family, relatives that will shower my children with gifts and seem to accept that they are members of the family, every now and then they make a comment that lets you know they aren't really advocates of adoption.

While I am always happy to talk about my adoption experience, I wish that people would learn to think before they speak. You wouldn't ask a pregnant woman how many times she and her husband had to try before she got pregnant (at least I hope not). And no one would dream of telling new biological parents, "hey, that baby sure doesn't look like either of you."

So why is it that people feel so comfortable asking such personal and prying questions of adoptive parents? The answer is easy, because adoption to many is just different. Some are convinced that when you adopt you are taking a big risk. What if they child has a disability that doesn't surface until later in their lives? What if negative traits from the biological parents are passed on to the child?

I'll be honest, it's true, when you adopt, it's sort of like what Forrest Gump said "... you never know what you're gonna get."  But hey, that can be said for biological children. You could birth a child that ends up with a host of disabilities. 

So while I welcome the discussion that asking questions about adoption can bring I hope people can be more sensitive to the questions they ask adoptive parents. Because no matter what your belief about adoption, one thing is true - my babies are mine. They are mine just as if I gave birth to them, and nothing will ever change that.