The Write Way

Parenting and the Economy

I am a news junky – always have been, always will be. I like to check news from around the U.S.

and the world and sometimes I see some pretty interesting stories. Recently a story out of Nebraska caught my eye and really made me sad.

A father in Nebraska took advantaged of the new Safe-Harbor Law in that state leave his nine children at a local hospital without fear of prosecution. The children ranged in age from one to 17 and were reportedly doing OK. Doing OK? Wow, that’s a powerful statement. Their father just abandoned them so I doubt they are doing OK.  The law, which went into effect in July, was intended to protect infants, but when lawmakers couldn’t decide on an age limit, it meant some could interpret it to apply any child under age 18.

 

When I first read the story I was really upset at the father. How could he do such a thing? I mean, there is a pretty thin line between I’m having trouble taking care of these kids and, I just don’t feel like being bothered anymore. No one said parenting would be easy and if we all just decided it was too hard, children everywhere could grow up without a stable home.

 

But then I began to look at the situation differently. Times in this economy are really hard right now. People don’t have enough money for the basic essentials and the foreclosure rate is through the roof.  Perhaps what this father did was his only way of making sure that his children at least had a fighting chance at a better life. Besides, if everyone was a model parent, then I wouldn’t be a mom today. I have my children because their biological parents weren’t able to care for them. Of the five foster children I’ve had in my home, one of them was abandoned at birth. But unlike these children, it wasn’t at a safe place (even though Florida has the same law) it was outside in an area that wasn’t safe at all.

I won’t reveal if the child is one of the two I adopted or one of the children I fostered on their way to another home, but I will say I was angry at the biological mom just as I was at this father. But I had to realize that without knowing what was going on in her mind at that time, I can’t judge her.

 

With all of the stories you hear about parents killing their children or abusing them in ways you never thought possible, at least the father in Nebraska just decided to walk away. And in the case of the child in my life, while the mom may not have found the safest place to leave the child, she didn’t harm the baby and left the child in a way that someone was sure to find the baby. Being a parent is the most important job I will ever do and I would sacrifice anything for my children. But without knowing all there is to know about the situation of my foster child’s biological mother or the father in Nebraska, I can’t decide that they are terrible people.

So whether the dad in Nebraska left them because he just couldn’t care for them or because he wanted to live free of kids, at least he didn’t harm them. And while the emotional scars may last a while, if they find a loving home they will get the chance to heal, grow and one day make better decisions when its time to parent their own children.

No matter how much I strive to be a good parent, stories like these remind me that I can be just one bad day away from making the choices these parents have made. Raising children can be stressful and in the times we live in the added stress of not enough money, not enough food, and not enough jobs only makes it worse. So I pray that before I decide to judge them I remember that but for the grace of God, it could be me.

 

A Mom and the Vice President

The nomination of Sarah Palin as vice presidential candidate for the Republican Party has sparked quite a bit of debate. Is she ready to lead? Is she qualified? Should we be concerned about her daughter’s pregnancy?

 

While all of those questions are intriguing, the question that interests me the most deals with how this self-proclaimed hockey mom will juggle motherhood and the demands of the job as Vice President and possibly President, should something happen to John McCain. 

 

This question strikes a chord with me because as the mother of two children, including a special needs child, I struggle daily to meet the demands of my job, marriage, motherhood and all that comes with it.

 

I work a full-time job as a communications manager. Because I must work, it leaves less time to do what I need to do for my children, especially my daughter. Although she does not have something as severe as Downs Syndrome, (like Palin’s son) her diagnoses (and there are several) require regular doctor’s visits to various specialists, a daily regimen of medication and close monitoring in school. 

 

I’ve already had to see the teacher at least three times and they’ve only been in school for a month.  For whatever reason, she isn’t eating lunch so that has to be addressed, and then there are the activities the specialists suggest I do with my daughter to help her become more successful. Having a special needs child is something very hard to understand until you live it - it’s fighting with insurance companies for benefits, making sure you do your research before you agree to yet another medication, helping her feel good about herself even though she may be different from other children, keeping up with doctor’s visit, researching the diagnoses you’re given so you know what to do, and the list goes on.

And then there is the guilt. Remember I have two children. My son needs my attention too. He loves sports and shouldn’t be deprived of participating just because I need to focus on his sister. He has homework too and is in the third grade so we are already focused on the overbearing FCAT. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don’t think I give him all of the attention he deserves. I feel bad when I am late to one of his games because his sister has an appointment.

 

I feel guilty when I’m sometimes so tired at the end of the day that I may not remember to ask my husband how his day went. I feel guilty because by the time you work a full day, pick up the kids from aftercare, feed them, check homework and get baths, there’s little time for much else before bed. I haven’t figured out how to balance the needs of two children who are close in age but miles a part in terms of their levels of development. How do I make time to connect with my husband and not focus all of my time away from work on my children?

 

I can’t say that Palin’s decision to accept a place on the ticket is right or wrong. But I do believe that when you have kids you must often put your desires on hold to do whatever is necessary for the children. There was a time when I had big dreams for my career. But today, my biggest dream is to find some way to tip the scale, more time with family, less time with work. The chance to be the first woman on the Republican ticket may be the career move of a lifetime, but the job of mom is the most important one any mother will ever do. If the Republicans win the bid, I’ll be interested to see how this hockey mom pulls it off. Maybe she can give me a few pointers -  I’m still trying to figure it out.

Motherhood Isn't for the Faint of Heart

The church that I attend owns a preschool and after care facility. My children attended preschool there and now attend after their day is done in elementary school.  For the past few weeks I've noticed a little two-year-old who attends the preschool. His such a cute little boy, but I worry about him.

His mother, in her early twenties, doesn't seem to be very interested in him. They got into a car accident a few months ago and had a huge gash on his head.  She brought him to school almost the next day and as the gash healed, she didn't want to keep a bandage on it to cover it until the healing was done, even when preschool workers expressed concern.

She never seems to be happy to see him. He has asthma and some days she doesn't seem very interested in making sure he gets his breathing treatment. He calls everyone mom and I think it's because he is looking for someone to be special to him, to connect to him.

I want to ask her, exactly why did you have a child? I know pregnancy sometimes comes as a surprise, but once you make the conscious decision to become a mom, it's important to do whatever you have to do for that child to be happy and healthy.

Her pregnancy may have been an accident, but she could have given him to someone desperate for a child, but she chose to become a mom. There are many children in this baby's predicament and it makes me sad.

Mothers need to take their jobs seriously.  Having a child is a serious responsibility, one that shouldn't be taken lightly. Children can't take care of themselves. They need care, discipline and someone to make sure they get all of the love and attention their little hearts can hold. 

Sometimes motherhood comes with things we didn't plan on, children who are sick, mentally or physically handicapped. Some have learning disabilities, some have deformities and problems we can only dream of. But no matter what, its your child to love and your responsibility.

But not matter what motherhood brings you, children need the stable support of their parents. Their self esteem is built on it. Every time I see that mom at the preschool I find myself wondering if she will every know the gift she's been given. 

Every moment as a mom isn't filled with warm and fuzzies, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

Confronting My Fears

Ok, so I promised by Monday I would submit this post. I'm a little late, shoot me. I originally wrote this for an essay contest The Today Show was having called Tell Us Your Story. But when I hit submit I kept getting an error message - so I chickened out and never discovered why it wouldn't allow me to send it. Well, the contest deadline has passed but I know I won't truly be able to be effective until I publish this. Let me know what you think. I hope it can be as healing for some as it was for me to write it and as freeing as it is for me to finally publish it.

I have struggled with what I am about to say. To finally put the words down in print in such a major way might seem strange. But it’s important that I do it. My daughter has a mental health disorder. I know this doesn’t make me “special”, many families are in my shoes, but it has changed my life in ways I never imagined.

 

In the Black community, dealing with emotional health isn’t something people talk about. People encourage African Americans to take care of their bodies, but not often do they speak of mental health. The nucleus for many in the Black community is the church - if you’ve got God, you don’t need therapy - pray and God will help you through your difficulties. And for so long, many of us (myself included) felt seeking therapy was something for White people. 

But then, my husband and I decided to adopt through Florida’s child welfare system. We first adopted a son. And then, a year later, we became foster and ultimately adoptive parents to a two-year-old girl. Early on there seemed to me to be problems. She wouldn’t look at you when you spoke to her, or you would ask her a question and she would look right through you. She wasn’t nearly as good at going to the potty as they claimed and she also seemed frightened of her surroundings. At first people told me, it’s because she’s new to your home, give her time. But as she began to prepare for kindergarten, things were getting worse. The mood swings made going in public difficult, she was still nowhere near potty-trained and she could almost never sit still. She slept with her head completely tucked under the cover, so much so I worried she couldn’t get air. If she said something to you and you asked her to repeat it, she would immediately shut down. And still, she would not acknowledge people when they spoke to her.

So, we began a battery of tests and reluctantly I agreed to medication (she is now on 5-6 meds a day). My life has become constant research on her various diagnoses (SAD,OCD,ADHD, SPD, FASD, clinical depression), fighting with the State to meet their obligation and provide the assistance she is entitled to, keeping up with doctor’s visits, fighting over insurance benefits and most importantly, helping her to feel good about who she is no matter what. And that is the reason that I wanted to tell my story. It is still hard for me and my family to say the term mental illness. I know my mother would rather I not talk openly, for my daughter’s sake. I worry about that too. I don’t want people to treat her differently.  But I believe if more African Americans aren’t open about mental illness the stigma I see in my community will never go away and much needed help won’t be sought. I also tell this story to remove the stigma that I still feel about the term mental illness.

 

My daughter’s current medicine regimen seems to be working well and while short of a healing touch from God, there may always be medicines, doctor’s visits, and yes, mental illness – today at 7, she is smart, she is beautiful and she is thriving. This journey has left me in tears many a night, but for my daughter, I am willing to do anything - even confront my private thoughts about what mental illness really means.

 

The Doctor is In

Ok, since I had not been to the doctor before my last post, I figured I owed it to anyone who reads to give you the update. I am healing nicely. But for the next three weeks I can speak only when necessary, otherwise, mums is still the word.

My children have been counting down the days until I could speak. So needless to say this whole only when necessary thing means absolutely nothing to them. I can feel they are beginning to get a little frustrated. I am trying to find the best way to communicate with them but it is a challenge.

Taking care of my children is the one area that this has impacted the most. My son has a basketball game and I can't cheer for him and my daughter - she has multiple appointments that I know I am behind on because I can't speak!

But at this point, I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and figure out a way to make it work. Three weeks is a long time and there is no need to dwell on it any longer, but I did think I at least owed it to anyone reading to know the outcome of my doctor's visit.

One last thing, before the weekend is through, I will post what I think is the most personal thing I've ever written. This time of silence gave me the courage to write it and now I think I've found the courage to post it as well. It's a subject near to me and I hope that some of you will give me your thoughts on it. Tell me if you think I was crazy for posting it, was it too personal? My hope is that it will encourage others struggling with the same issue. Before Monday I'll post it (there I have given myself a deadline). I want to take one more look at it, besides, it's 3:00 a.m. no one is reading anything at this hour.

I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd write, hey, it's not like I can talk to anyone (Sorry, I couldn't resist!).

Silence and self discovery

So as you know, I am in my second week of not being able to talk. My doctor's appointment is coming up and hopefully I've healed to the point where I can begin to use my voice again. I have learned a few things about during this time, including, people think I talk a lot! Although I'd like to see many of them try to make it day in and day out without being able to speak!

I can't tell you the jokes I've endured about how hard this must be for me because I have so much to say. And Oh my goodness, I know you're about to die and on and on. While viewing the world without being able to communicate effectively has been eye opening it stings a bit to think people have the view of me as a blabber mouth!

Seeing yourself through the eyes or the view point of others isn't always easy. But I am learning to take criticism for what's it's intended to be. The things I think I can take and use to be a better person I will take in, the rest, you toss it! As I look back I have to admit, I do love conversation, not just for the sake of talking but to debate issues and to discuss current events, and I think that's ok. I will however, try to be more mindful of just how much conversation I indulge in and be careful when I give my opinion.

I have found though that often times people have gotten upset with me when they've asked for my opinion and then were unhappy with what I had to say. I will admit I am often blunt and I believe that you should never ask a question you aren't prepared to hear the answer to. And as I learn more about how others see me I don’t think I'll change that either. I will try to decide when it's best for me to listen and when it's best to respond. But I can't help but be who I am and true to what I believe - never ask my opinion if you aren't really interested in it.

The jokes about not being able to talk are getting old and parenting my children has been tough. There are things that are just too difficult to explain to them by writing it down. Helping them with their homework has almost left me in tears (even though my husband does check it I've found he isn't always thorough). And as I deal with my daughter and making sure her needs are met at school, I've had to be innovative. I had to take a lap top to our last meeting to discuss the accommodations the school will make for her. But, it's almost over and along with learning what other think about my talking I've had a chance to soul search and I've learned a few things about myself too.

I'm a darn good communicator, even though some may think I communicate too much! Still, as hard as it's been, the experience has been a learning one. Although I admit I hope I never had to do this again!