The Write Way

Two Little Words

So I started this blog as a way to put my thoughts down and as a way to free myself from what I sometimes am ashamed to admit. It's strange because intellectually I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but socially... well that's a different story.

When you have children and for me a daughter especially, you dream of all of the things the two of you will share - shopping together, having a girls day out, watching her as she discovers boys, helping her pick out the hair style she likes best, those kinds of things.

Well, my relationship with my daughter hasn't always been what I had hoped. I've always believed that there was some sort of trauma in my baby's life and some heredity that has caused her to have some real difficulty. And even as I write about it now, it's hard to actually type the words.

Truthfully, part of it is that I believe that my daughter, even at her age, has a right to her privacy. But in part it's because I just don't know how people will react. In the African American community, seeking counseling for whatever the reason isn't done often. We just don't believe that it's necessary, that's something other folks do. I hope that eventually I'll find the courage to really address it, even in this blog, in hopes of helping someone else find a way to deal with a child with challenges.

I've had to learn to alter my expectations of what my relationship with my daughter will be like. And I'm learning that different is OK.  She can be delightful at times and I am learning to just embrace those times and to be there for her when she's having a rough go of it. She's still young and my prayer is that eventually, she might get over the hump. My mother is convinced that by middle school she will be just fine - that God will make it alright. And while I believe that God can do anything, I want to be sure that I am prepared for the reality that He may decide to leave things as they are.

I am also learning to be grateful for her challenges. Not grateful in the way you might think, but grateful for what it has taught me and for the fact that I have been blessed with the opportunity to be the mommy that will help her with those challenges. It's taught me how to pray even the more. And I can truly say I know what it means to really put the needs of someone else before my own.

So bare with me. I am working on getting up the courage to use two words in my writing as it relates to my daughter. Two very powerful words that while I have been able to say them in my head and even use them out loud once or twice, writing them seems to be a lot harder for me. For now though, when you say a prayer, say one for my daughter and for her mommy and daddy and brother. We are all impacted by her disability and we are all the better for it. 

The Great Balancing Act

So it's been a while since I've blogged... no excuses, here I am. I promise not to take such a hiatus again but I needed some time to think. I was working hard at trying to get my writing career off of the ground, so hard in fact that I was applying for work I really didn't want to do. Each time I quoted a job I was afraid I had bid too high. I had to remind myself of my worth and how not to devalue what I am capable of doing.

And then of course, I still work full time, have two children, a husband and a dog. I didn't know if I was coming or going, (and some days I still don't). There was the house work, the non-profit, and the list goes on. So, since bolstering my writing business wasn't a must, and I couldn't very well stop being a mommy and a wife, I let it take a back seat while I did a bit of reevaluating.

The truth is, while I am back at the grind, I am still in a desperate search for that new buzz word, BALANCE. How in the world do I find time to work (gotta pay those bills), take care of children, be a good wife, keep a house going, volunteer, attend church functions AND start a business? Someday I don't seem to be able to get my head above water. No matter how many times I clean a bathroom, cook a meal or wash a dish, there's always more housework to be done. And no matter how many times I tie a shoe, wipe a runny nose, fix a plate or put a band-aid on a scratch so small you need a magnifying glass to see it, my children still want the majority of my time. And I still haven't fed the dog or said a word to my husband!

Truth is, like I've said before, my 9 to 5, the job that pays the bills, is really in the way. I know I've said this before but I am still not quite ready to just take the plunge in my business without the safety net of a check I know I can count on. So, here I sit - trying to figure out how to make it all work. Got any suggestions? Until then, I'm making a few adjustments that I hope will work... I'll let you know how it goes.

way. I know I've said this before but I am still not quite ready to just take the plunge in my business without the safety net of a check I know I can count on. So, here I sit - trying to figure out how to make it all work. Got any suggestions? Until then, I'm making a few adjustments that I hope will work... I'll let you know how it goes.

Girls, Gowns and Grants

I know, I know. Today is Thursday and I'm just getting around to Monday's blog. It's been a tough week!

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but my sisters and I started a non-profit about five years ago (can't believe it's been that long already!!). It's called Sisters Empowering Women. Inc. We work with at-risk teenage girls, especially those in foster care (no big surprise considering, right?) and adult women.

Anyway, along with my writing career, I really feel led to make the non-profit all that it can be; and many times I use my writing skills for the agency. We are working on fitness and nutrition this year and I've been busy writing grants for funding (I had two due in the last three weeks). We also give away evening gowns for prom and homecoming each year to girls who can't afford them.  So, I've been working hard getting ready for prom season.

The girls are always so appreciative and excited about the chance to pick out a pretty gown just like all the other girls. I wanted to write about some of those girls this week.

Many are in foster care and would have had to wear a gown a social worker had from their prom 8 years ago. Some are living with a mom or dad that had no idea where they would get the money from for the ticket much less the dress. Girls in the program don't understand the basics for taking care of themselves even as some approach their 18th birthday (and will be forced to live on their own).  Some are struggling in school and most lack basic life skills. Some have left the group, not wanting to follow the rules we set forth and the guidelines for participation - many return, wishing they hadn't left and with the tough life scars to prove it. One came to see us just today, pregnant and regretting that she didn't take the advice and help we offered that could have prevented pregnancy.

I have realized that one of the reasons I work is to take care of not only my two children, but the children of mothers and fathers who can't and even some who just won't.

No matter what state you live in, foster care is a reality. And imagine, if you grew up in a group home without the help to be successful, there are a lot of men and women walking around still struggling with how to be a responsible adult - they just didn't have a proper model to follow. I hope that some of you will take the time to research agencies where you can make a difference.

Take a look in your closet, do you have a dress or suit you can donate? Is there a young boy or girl in your neighborhood without a mom or dad that you might mentor? Or, maybe you can spread the word about a worthy cause and inspire others to donate.

We begin giving out dresses next Saturday. I'll let you know how it goes. No matter how hard my day may have been, spending time with these girls lets me know just how blessed I am.

Changing Priorities

You know it's funny. When I was younger, all I wanted to be was a reporter. I wanted to cover the news, particularly education and write stories that were compelling, thought provoking and easy to read. I held on to that dream from elementary school and on into college. I majored in Journalism and after graduation, I became the education reporter for a bureau of my hometown newspaper.

The long hours came with the territory and I didn't mind it at all. I was living my dream - or so I thought. It's funny how your priorities can shift and change your entire perspective. Now, I want nothing more than for the workday to come to an end so that I can get home to what matters most to me -being a wife and a mother. But as the economy worsens and more and more of us are just trying to keep our jobs, it irritates me to see what many employers are doing. While I am no longer working as a reporter, I am still in the Communications field. And often I feel pressured to check e-mail when I have a sick child or I am really off and on vacation. They just aren't family friendly.

Take today. My oldest child is a chronic asthmatic and this allergy season has been rough. It often starts with sneezing and itchy eyes but in the blink of an eye, he develops a deep and sometimes painful cough. He had trouble sleeping last night and so I kept him home for part of the day. But once he began to perk up a bit, I asked how he felt about me going to work for the second half of the day while he goes to grandma's office with his sleeping bag to watch a movie and relax. He wasn't thrilled but he agreed. I felt awful but I also felt pressured to get into the office and work. I hate feeling as though I am obligated to work, even when I need to be there for my children.  And as you know, I have a younger child with special needs. I want to spend as much time as I need to making sure her issues are addressed. But with this economy, everyone is so concerned about having a job, (me included) that we find ourselves committing more time to work.  I feel that I must give 200 percent to work to make sure I keep my job.

I am sure many of you feel the same. But here's what I propose (or at least what I plan to do for me). Right now, I know my family needs my income so I'll keep working. But I am going to use my burning desire to spend more time parenting and less time working on someone else's dime to motivate me. Take tonight. It's after 11 p.m. and I am to report to work at 7 a.m. tomorrow. But I'm up writing - because my goal is to use my background as a writer to further my blog, gain more freelance opportunities and promote my website on adoption. Each day I'll report to work, grateful for a job, but secretly finding the motivation to turn my passion into a way of life and a means to help support my family.

If you feel the way I do, then I challenge you to do the same. Research how possible it might be to turn what you love into a business. Look for franchising opportunities or work-from-home sites. And never let anyone make you feel guilty for taking time to care for your children (I'm still working on that one myself). The next time I have a sick little one, I'll let you know what I decided to do about work.

She Did What!?

I don't consider myself to be that old, but hey, who does? The older you get the younger people start to look to you. But in my 30+ years of living, I never thought things would get THAT bad. Earlier this week I read a story about a young mother of three who put her 3-week-old baby in the microwave, and turned it on. She has recently been charged with murder. Just today I read a story about a mother who used her 4-week-old as a weapon in a fight with her boyfriend - fracturing the baby's skull.

I recently told a cousin of mine that for now, my number one job is to do everything in my power to protect my children.  I must do all I can to keep them safe and to make sure they have what they need to be successful - to do anything less would be irresponsible.

And believe me, as we get closer to Christmas, there will be more stories of mothers (and fathers too) who have lost hope and have abandoned or abused their children in a moment of despair. Christmas has become too commercialized. We stress over how someone might feel if we can't afford to give them just the right gift and we worry if someone buys a gift for us and we don't have a gift in return.

Christmas should be a time for family and for giving thanks. If you can't buy your child the latest gadget so what! Teach them about the true meaning of the holiday and buy what your budget will allow. Be honest, do your children, nieces and nephews even know where the gifts are that you bought last year? Do you even remember what you bought for them or what others bought for your?

And I urge all of you to look for signs of stress in your own life this season. Take time to get the name of a child or family in need. If we help each other, it can make the holiday a lot more pleasant and less stressful. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, take a break from the hustle and bustle. Go for a long walk and think about all that you have to be grateful for. Go to church or volunteer to help those less fortunate. Giving, whether it is of your time, talents or treasures is one heck of a stress reliever. It reminds us that no matter how bad things are, there's always someone whose situation is even worse.

Look for signs of stress in your family members and offer to help. Never think that they aren't capable of the unthinkable when under pressure. I mean, do you really think the family of that mother with the 3-week-old ever thought she'd put him in the microwave? Think about it.

How Can You Help?

As we begin to celebrate the Christmas season, I wanted to first say how much I've enjoyed writing about my experience as a foster and adoptive parent. I hope it has been a source of comfort and information for anyone struggling with infertility.  For others, I hope it has given you pause to really consider fostering and adopting a child (or children).

I am not however, naive. I know that foster parenting and adoption isn't for everyone. But there are others ways that you can help.  During this season of giving, find an organization in your area collecting gifts for children and donate an item or two. If you have a few hours to spare each month, think about mentoring a child in the foster care system or helping a teenager, with little hope of finding a family, decide what their future will hold.

Of course, you can always look for a worthy organization and donate in honor of someone who made your childhood a special one.  Whatever you choose, remember that children in foster care are the responsibility of all of us.

Statistics from the Annie E. Casey Foundation show that children who become adults as wards of the state are more likely to end up homeless or incarcerated.  One way or another, if they don't get the help they need, they become a problem for society and when that happens, we all pay.

Along with gifts for my two babies, I am coordinating the donation of gifts for 10 girls at a group home in my area. They are beautiful girls who need love and support. I am proud to be a part of their lives.

There are so many ways that you can help. If you want more information on organizations in your area, send me an e-mail, thompson566@msn.com or comment on this blog and I'll get the information to you. Until next Monday...live well, love true and know there is a child who needs you.

The A Word

I can't believe November is almost over and there is so much more to say! But who says it can only be discussed during the month of November? The problem of too few homes and too many foster children in need of a home is year round. And as we come upon the holiday season, I know many of you may be looking for places to donate your time and talents. I hope that you will consider participating or starting a foster care angel tree in your area (more on that later).

So, on with my story.  After my second surgery, my husband and I began the process to adopt a girl.  A 5-week old was placed with us.  We fostered her until she was a little over a year. But then, her mother got out of jail and began requesting visits with her. It's too long to get into but we decided that reunification with her mother seemed eminent and we couldn't risk having our son bond to the point where separation would be difficult for him. Then, he was only about three.   It was a hard decision but we asked that she be removed from our home. I cried for days, wondering if I should have had more faith that it would work out. But we were foster care veterans and in my gut, it felt like the right thing to do.

So we then requested that the rights of the parents be all but severed before they placed another child with us. And then we got the call about our daughter. She was two at the time and had been removed from a foster home found to be unfit. She had been in care since birth. As with my son, I don't get into too many details about how she came to be in care, but she know that her situation was just as heartbreaking as my son's. After a year, the adoption was ready to be finalized and off to the courthouse we went.

But what should we tell the children about the significance of what would happen there? Thank God my husband and I made the decision from the beginning to be honest with our children about being adopted. For me, it's way too difficult to try and keep it a secret. Everyone who knows me knows I've never been pregnant! And how would I explain no pictures my pregnancy? Or, no pictures of my daughter as a baby (remember she was two when she came to us).

So we told our little ones that mommy's tummy was broken and so another lady carried them for me.  We bought a book written by an African American woman who adopted (It's called A is for Adopted, by Eileen Tucker Cosby).  They will grow up knowing they were adopted and won't have to deal with the shock of the day they learned about the A word. I mean, let's be honest, no matter how much parents try to hide it, somehow most children end up learning the truth about their adoption. I would rather they hear it from  us.

Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of. I am honored to have the opportunity to be the loving mother my children so desperately needed. Sometimes they ask me questions about it. My son wants to know when mommy's tummy is going to get better. And my daughter was reluctant to believe (at first) that she didn't come from my belly. We look back at the photos from adoption day for both of them and we all beam with pride. We call it the day the judge said they were ours forever and ever.

And as for the baby before my daughter... it turns out my gut was right.  A few years later her mother became pregnant for a third time (she has a boy in the system who is the oldest). This time, she wanted to do better. And so the judge's edict... in order to keep her unborn child, she had to agree to take my former foster daughter. And at 4-years-old she began a new life with her biological mother. I check on her periodically. She is still with mom, but if something ever happens... my husband and I have already decided we will be there to pick up the pieces.

Biology is Just a Science Term

When I actually realized that my hunch all along was correct, I was relieved -  but not for the reason you might think. I felt as though I was vindicated in my decision not to focus on getting pregnant. After my first major surgery, my doctor said I had a small window of opportunity to try and get pregnant. He recommended that we start trying to get pregnant as soon as I was feeling 100%. Instead of taking that advice, I immediately asked for a prescription for birth control. Remember, my son was already about 8 months old by this time. When I told my doctor that I had decided not to try getting pregnant he asked why. I told him that I had given it a full year and that was it. His response? "In the condition you were in, there was no way you would have gotten pregnant."

Still, I didn't want to take the risk. And yes, for me, it felt like a risk. I've watched friends obsess over getting pregnant. They've been poked, prodded and injected and still, nothing. Some have even gone as far as to think that perhaps God just didn't want them to be a mother.  I didn't want to get to get wrapped up in that.

I watched a show once about a woman who had been through five in-vitro treatments.  Before the last treatment, doctors isolated the problem she seemed to have. There was some sort of problem with the lining of the wall in the egg she produced each month. She had a friend who agreed to take medication that would induce the production of more than the one egg a month women normally produce. Those eggs were removed from the friend, fertilized by the woman's husband and then implanted in her.

As I watched, I found myself almost rooting for her for this to work. It meant so much to her. But after a few weeks blood test results came back negative. She was devastated. And then I realized that like so many, she had become wrapped up into the whole pregnancy process instead of focusing on the parenting. Think about it. If this process had worked, technically, this child would not have been hers. Remember, she used the eggs produced by a friend. I don't want to ever belittle the bond that mother and child form during pregnancy - but pregnancy lasts for nine months, parenting lasts a lifetime.

With all of the children in need of a home, I wish more couples would not think of adoption as a final choice when all else fails. Honestly, I have found my infertility liberating. It just gave me more of an open mind to explore other possibilities.  I didn't want to get so wrapped up in trying to get pregnant that I lost sight of the opportunity to be a mommy. I have a friend who spent more than 8 years trying to get pregnant. Every time she had a procedure, she would tell herself that if it didn't work, it would be the last.  By now, she could have been a mom many times over. She and her husband just recently began as foster parents.

I am not denying anyone's right to try everything they can to get pregnant. I just hope that while they are trying, they remember that there are children waiting, just in case things don't work out the way they planned. Remember biology is just a term in science class. It has nothing to do with a mother's ability to love her child, even if that child is adopted. Take it from one who knows. I couldn't love my children anymore if I tried.

Oh, and by the way, standing my ground about trying to get pregnant was definitely the right choice. The fibroids and endometriosis returned. I had a partial hysterectomy at 29, and I couldn't be happier.

Foster to Adopt 101

So, where did I leave off?

I won't bore you with the details but basically I learned in my mid-twenties that the problems I had with terrible cramping and horrible cycles were related to my infertility. I had fibroid tumors and severe endometriosis.  Having the two conditions doesn't make me unique. There are thousands, indeed millions of women all over the world struggling with the same issues. What does make me unique is my response to the news.  I didn't consult my doctor because I wanted to discover what I needed to do to get pregnant. I went to him because the pain was unbearable and as luck would have it, the two things were related. Remember, pregnancy wasn't all that appealing to me, I had tried to get pregnant, for 365 days - nothing (more on that later).

Anyway, after a scope to diagnose the problem, my doctor informed my family that I would need major surgery to deal with the issue. By this time, my husband and I had been foster parents for almost two years and we had adopted our first child.

My son was four days old when he came into our lives - from the hospital to our home.  He has no knowledge of any other mom or dad. Out of respect for his privacy, I rarely discuss the conditions surrounding his placement in foster care. Just know that his parents were unable to care for him and he was rendered a ward of the State at birth. I fell in love at first sight. We bonded in no time and I took care of him as if I had given birth to him.

I won't lie, as much as I am an advocate of adopting through the foster care system, it isn't for the faint of heart. You have to get with a good agency and make sure you understand how the process works.  You have to ask the right questions, talk to others who've done it and be flexible! For example, my first go round, I didn't care if the child was a boy or a girl. The more stipulations you have, the harder it makes it to place a child in your home. I also was flexible about the age. Although I wanted a baby and ultimately adopted a baby, we were willing to take a child up to age two. Now if they called me with a three year old, would I have said yes? ABSOLUTELY! My husband and I had discussed just how far up the age ladder we were willing to go.

Always remember that this isn't like a private adoption. By that I mean you may not get everything you hope for. Your ideal child to adopt may be an African American boy, no more than six months of age with no health issues. They may call you about a bi-racial child (Black and another race) 12 months old with slight asthma. All of the children in care are there because they have been abused or neglected. They all need a home. Be conscious of that before you say no.

Never forget that it ain't over until it's over - this is the biggest hurdle for many. As I said before, foster to adopt means the chances for adoption look really good, but a relative may pop up at the last minute. It's heart-breaking to think of the possibility that the child may leave, but remember, in many states, biological parents have the right to change their minds up to a certain amount of time even in a private adoption. So, the same risk applies. My son wasn't the first child placed in our home. There were two before him. It was hard at times, but I took comfort in knowing that while those children were in our care they were safe, happy and loved. For that moment in time, they were where God needed them to be and my husband and I were chosen to care for them.

Foster care is a great option to adopt for people with love to give but little money.  There's virtually no cost to finalize the adoption and in Florida (check your state to see if the same applies), assistance is provided for families who adopt African American children and children with special needs even after the adoption is final.

As we go through this process together this month, feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions about foster care and adoption. I can't put it all in a blog! E-mail me at thompson566@msn.com. Until next time!

Pregnancy? No Thanks, I'll Pass

The longer I live, the more I realize that privacy, at least as we once knew it, just doesn't exist anymore. It seems that things people wouldn't dare ask you years ago, (how much money do you make, how much do you weigh) are all up for grabs these days. 

So, you would think that there would have been no surprise when people began to ask me questions about my children, right? (Yeah right) The first time someone asked, I was so offended, I had to stop, take a deep breath, and remind myself that this was a chance to educate.

I've never been pregnant and quite honestly, I never wanted to be - I'm cranky enough on my own.  But growing up in a traditional African American culture, I did what everyone expected me to - I tried to get pregnant. But after one year, I let go of what was expected of me and followed my heart.

Before I got married, I told my husband that I didn't think pregnancy would come easy - my family history told me that much. But everyone expected that we would just have children. I think every Black woman has that aunt or grandmother or just meddling outsider who looks at you after you've been married for a minute and asks "So, when are you two going to have children?"

When I told them of our decision to adopt and my absolute bliss at the prospect of leaving the pregnancy thing behind, the responses I received were, well, let's just say they sort of freaked me out.

I've had more than one person tell me that if God wants me to get pregnant, there's nothing I can do to stop it. Hmmm, true, but I think God and I have a complete understanding of each other on that point. Some told me that every woman should experience pregnancy at least once. Huh? Getting pregnant isn't just something you try (like a new pair of shoes or a ride at the fair) to see if you like it - I mean, either you do it, or you don't.

But my absolute favorite were the people who would tell me how beautiful my children were in one breath and in the next ask me, "So, you don't want any kids of your own?" My own?  In the eyes of the law, they are "my own." And more importantly, in my eyes, they belong to me just as if I had given birth to them.

As a society, and certainly in my culture, I think we get too caught up in what's expected. And I believe that is the reason, at least partially, that so many African American children sit, waiting to be adopted. As we prepare to recognize November as Adoption Awareness Month I will devote the month's blogs to the topic. You'll learn more about the root of my infertility and the road my husband and I traveled to become parents. And more than anything, you'll learn a little more about the two beautiful children we adopted and how we deal with explaining that whole process to them. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I will enjoy writing it.