The Write Way

In My Spare Time

Don’t say it, I know, it’s been weeks since my last post. Why dwell on the obvious? I have great intentions but execution… not my biggest strong suit. I figure I owe you all an update. I am restless. My plan is moving forward but sometimes I still feel like I’m not getting things done fast enough. I am juggling more balls in the air than I care to talk about. I still can’t figure out a balance. How do I keep working, get my side hustle going so that it can become my main hustle, take care of my kids, be a wife, mom, keep the house clean, volunteer, take care of my positions at the church… I am getting tired just listing it all.

I know experts make it sound so easy, “you have to just downsize your life, don’t try to do so much.” Are you serious?! That sounds easy but exactly what should I cut out? I have to work, the side hustle is what I want to make my main income some day because it will give me the chance to work fewer hours, I am a Christian so working in the church imperative, I plan to keep my husband and my kids, and who wants to live in a messy house??? And the volunteering, it’s my own non-profit and a part of my overall plan to get rid of my full time job!

I suppose patience is a virtue I still don’t have.  I guess I am just conflicted. My main source of income continually asks for more with no compensation and they aren’t nearly as family friendly as I would have thought an industry devoted to kids would be.  I think in an economy like this the attitude is sometimes, just be glad you have a job, and while I am glad, I am still a mom and wife above all else and sometimes I resent having to choose between work and my family.

By now you all know I have a special needs child and she needs a lot of extra attention, help and appointments. We are still diagnosing and she is constantly changing as she gets older. I can think of about 10 things I need to do with or for her that I just haven’t had the chance to get around to. I feel guilty. And my son has a right to my attention, time and energy even though he isn’t a special needs child. And my husband would like for me to say more than “hi, did you feed the kids, have they had their medicine?” The only good news is when I talk to other moms they are feeling the same way.  I need to get organized, I need a sounding board, I need Jesus… maybe I’ll start a support group – yeah, that’s it, in my spare time (sigh).

Hey folks, It's just TV

It's been going on for weeks and at first I thought I wouldn't weigh in, but I just can't help it. First, a confession, I am (or was) a huge fan of the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. Now my reasons for not watching the show as much recently have little to do with who slept with whom (more on that in a moment) and more to do with that for me, the show isn't worth watching if mom and dad aren't going to be shown interacting with their kids and each other as a family. It isn't about the outside drama, the show isn't supposed to be a soap opera.

My real issue is the way the media and many others have reacted to the show since the alleged infidelity. All of a sudden everyone has an opinion and people who never seemed to care before want to condemn both parents. Someone has even filed a complaint that they are violating child labor laws by having the kids on the show!

Unique families have been fascinating for years and people have always been more than happy to let us in on a peek at what life is like in an atypical family. And even as people condemn Jon and Kate, a new reality show on raising sextuplets has launched on WE TV. And if you are going to accuse Jon and Kate of child labor violations, what about the Duggars (I love their show too!), this new WE TV show or the other TLC multiples show- Table for 12?

Let's be real, no one on fertility treatment sets out to have six babies at once. And with that many kids someone has to stay home. So when Jon and Kate first began their show it was a great way to document their lives and let's face it, to make a little much needed cash. Raising two kids doesn't always bring out the best in me, so raising 8 isn't going to be a pretty picture all of the time.

Reality TV is fun to watch but in the end, it's just that... TV! And if you think some things on reality TV aren't portrayed in a particular light to boost ratings, then you're living in a vacuum. What Jon and Kate ultimately decide to do with their marriage is their business. And what TLC decides to do about the show is up to TLC. And sure, we are all allowed to have an opinion about whether agreeing to the show was a good idea, but to say they don't care about their children? I don't know if I'd go that far.

When the show was wildly popular and before the scandal, nobody cared about the interviews, the freebies or Kate yelling at Jon, or even how much their children appeared on television. So what's the difference with parents who allow their children to become actors and appear in film after film, or on a sitcom or drama week after week? And manage their child's money no less.

Now, everyone has to have their say, even family members are trying to cash in (which I think is pretty low). But to have them investigated like criminals for a TV show?! Octomom has a TV show!

I just liked watching to see how a family with multiples worked. It was neat. And when she lost it on Jon cause he forgot to use a coupon - c'mon, that was funny!  I am a coupon queen, coupons are a big deal! And sometimes I got a few good tips with the projects they did with their kids. But in the end, people, reality or not, infidelity or not, it's just a TV show.

Not again!

I know, I know, how many times can you apologize for the same thing? I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since my last post. I would promise to do better, but haven't you heard that somewhere before?

Things have been moving along since I last posted. I recently wrote an article about my daughter and mental illness in the Black community. It felt so good to put it all out there. The response has been overwhelming. 

And I have been working on my plan too. Anyone who's ever read any of my postings knows I want to work less for someone else and more for my own interests. I want a more flexible schedule and more time to spend with my children and non-profit. I've picked up a steady freelancing gig writing and editing. It's great and I can do it in the evening between baths and dinner! No I'm still not quite ready to take the leap into leaving my full time job and in this economy I wouldn't dare try, but I have begun.

My son is doing just fine. He passed his standardized test that in part determines if he can go to the next grade (THANK GOD!). He is turning into quite the athlete and one heck of a student. My daughter's social skills are still a work in progress and I will have her tested for autism in August. We think she may be on the spectrum.

I am sometimes so frustrated by the endless doctor's visits and diagnoses, but I do what I have to for both of them. I'll keep you posted on how I am doing on the work less outside of the home front as well as my thoughts on a few other things later this week (PROMISE!).

For now, I just wanted to say I forgot just how therapeutic writing my thoughts can be. I've missed it.

...And Then There's My Son

When my husband and I started this journey, I had no idea where it would take me. We wanted to be parents, and realizing early that pregnancy wasn't going to be easy, we quickly decided adoption was the way to go. After several foster daughters, a new born baby boy came to live with us. He was beautiful. He had a full head of hair as black and straight as I had ever seen.

As he grew, the hair got really curly and his deep dark eyes would just pierce through you. Today he is a happy, typical almost 9-year-old boy. But as he gets older, I wonder how living with a special needs sibling is impacting him.

When you live with a special needs child, everyday may bring something new. And often (especially in the diagnosing phase) they can consume a lot of your time. I am always worried that my son isn't getting the attention he deserves or that sometimes he can't quite understand the really odd things his sister might do and why my reaction to her behavior seems different.

I try to make sure that he has an outlet where he can feel special. He loves sports, so I keep him enrolled in an activity that's just about him. Right now we've been playing basketball and he's good. He really wants to try his hand and football and I think he would be even better at that. But mommy isn't ready. He has asthma and I just can't stand the thought of someone knocking my baby over!

My son has a natural athletic ability that is amazing. He can take off running and then stop and run the other way on a dime. He loves to run and while he is right-handed academically, he is all lefty in sports. He throws with his left hand, catches left-hand dominate, he even bowls with his left hand. But he has always used his right hand for writing.

Sometimes I marvel at his ability and wonder if his biological mom or dad was athletic. We know little about his biological parents and sometimes that makes me sad - because if he ever wants to know more about them, there isn't much I can say. Recently, some kids at school told him I wasn't his "real" mom because he was adopted. He cried and for the first time admitted that he was sad because he didn't know what his biological mom looked liked.

Adoption, as I have said before, has never been a secret in our home. We celebrate it, and once he got passed the "wound" of their words and realized that a mother is the person who does all of the things I do for him, he realized that while he may not know anything about his bio mom, I am his real mom. I know it doesn't take away the sting of wondering where he comes from, and I hope some day he and I can investigate that further, if he chooses to.

Outside of sports he is really smart in school. He has made the honor roll since kindergarten and he loves science. He wanted to be an "animal saver" until recently he mentioned being a police officer. And of course, all of this is contingent upon whether or not he is drafted into the NFL!

My son is a true delight and although it is sometimes difficult to balance his needs with the needs of his special needs sibling, I wouldn't trade this balancing act for anything else in this world!

Not Another New Year's Resolution

Yes, I know. I've fallen off the wagon - again. It's been what, almost three months since I posted? I feel terrible but hey, the holidays were... oh never mind. Let me just catch you up on what's been going on.

I've actually moved past just talking about changing course in my work life and I am actually doing something about it. I signed on with a work from home company. I start training next week. I want to see how it works and if I could really pull it off. I'll use the extra money to pay off a few bills and get ready for my next step.

I went to the library and did a bit of research for the non-profit. Have I ever mentioned the non-profit before? My sisters and I founded a non-profit, Sisters Empowering Women (SEW), Inc. a few years ago. I would love to secure enough grant funding to make that my full time gig. Since the non-profit is mine, it makes for being my own boss. And I could do the work from home thing a few hours a week here and there.

Anyway, in case I've never mentioned SEW, we work with at-risk teenage girls with a special emphasis on girls in foster care (pretty obvious why that is right?). I'm hoping to get a few foundations to love SEW as much as I do.

Strangely, as bad as the economy is right now, I am optimistic about what I can accomplish with a lot of faith and hard work this year.  I know that I have to just take that bold step forward and make it happen. Sometimes I get really motivated (like I am right now) and then work, laundry, my daughter's appointments, my son's basketball games and practices, all of it just closes in and I am beat by the time I get home. That's when I fall off the wagon and take a 3-month hiatus from writing!! I just can't afford to do that anymore. If I want to make this thing work and really leave the 9 to 5 behind, I have to work my plan!

I know, non-profit work can be risky business. But honestly, I love it! There's nothing that fuels me more than watching a simple act of kindness change the life of someone else. So, I've got about 5 letters of inquiry for grants I am mailing tomorrow. And I'm back on the writing wagon. It's the only way I can stay sane. I hope that some of you will keep track of me and make me accountable.

Next time, I'll update you on how the kids have been. Lots of changes since I last posted. But why bore you will all the details at once? Don't want to overload you. It's just good to be back!

Parenting and the Economy

I am a news junky – always have been, always will be. I like to check news from around the U.S.

and the world and sometimes I see some pretty interesting stories. Recently a story out of Nebraska caught my eye and really made me sad.

A father in Nebraska took advantaged of the new Safe-Harbor Law in that state leave his nine children at a local hospital without fear of prosecution. The children ranged in age from one to 17 and were reportedly doing OK. Doing OK? Wow, that’s a powerful statement. Their father just abandoned them so I doubt they are doing OK.  The law, which went into effect in July, was intended to protect infants, but when lawmakers couldn’t decide on an age limit, it meant some could interpret it to apply any child under age 18.

 

When I first read the story I was really upset at the father. How could he do such a thing? I mean, there is a pretty thin line between I’m having trouble taking care of these kids and, I just don’t feel like being bothered anymore. No one said parenting would be easy and if we all just decided it was too hard, children everywhere could grow up without a stable home.

 

But then I began to look at the situation differently. Times in this economy are really hard right now. People don’t have enough money for the basic essentials and the foreclosure rate is through the roof.  Perhaps what this father did was his only way of making sure that his children at least had a fighting chance at a better life. Besides, if everyone was a model parent, then I wouldn’t be a mom today. I have my children because their biological parents weren’t able to care for them. Of the five foster children I’ve had in my home, one of them was abandoned at birth. But unlike these children, it wasn’t at a safe place (even though Florida has the same law) it was outside in an area that wasn’t safe at all.

I won’t reveal if the child is one of the two I adopted or one of the children I fostered on their way to another home, but I will say I was angry at the biological mom just as I was at this father. But I had to realize that without knowing what was going on in her mind at that time, I can’t judge her.

 

With all of the stories you hear about parents killing their children or abusing them in ways you never thought possible, at least the father in Nebraska just decided to walk away. And in the case of the child in my life, while the mom may not have found the safest place to leave the child, she didn’t harm the baby and left the child in a way that someone was sure to find the baby. Being a parent is the most important job I will ever do and I would sacrifice anything for my children. But without knowing all there is to know about the situation of my foster child’s biological mother or the father in Nebraska, I can’t decide that they are terrible people.

So whether the dad in Nebraska left them because he just couldn’t care for them or because he wanted to live free of kids, at least he didn’t harm them. And while the emotional scars may last a while, if they find a loving home they will get the chance to heal, grow and one day make better decisions when its time to parent their own children.

No matter how much I strive to be a good parent, stories like these remind me that I can be just one bad day away from making the choices these parents have made. Raising children can be stressful and in the times we live in the added stress of not enough money, not enough food, and not enough jobs only makes it worse. So I pray that before I decide to judge them I remember that but for the grace of God, it could be me.

 

A Mom and the Vice President

The nomination of Sarah Palin as vice presidential candidate for the Republican Party has sparked quite a bit of debate. Is she ready to lead? Is she qualified? Should we be concerned about her daughter’s pregnancy?

 

While all of those questions are intriguing, the question that interests me the most deals with how this self-proclaimed hockey mom will juggle motherhood and the demands of the job as Vice President and possibly President, should something happen to John McCain. 

 

This question strikes a chord with me because as the mother of two children, including a special needs child, I struggle daily to meet the demands of my job, marriage, motherhood and all that comes with it.

 

I work a full-time job as a communications manager. Because I must work, it leaves less time to do what I need to do for my children, especially my daughter. Although she does not have something as severe as Downs Syndrome, (like Palin’s son) her diagnoses (and there are several) require regular doctor’s visits to various specialists, a daily regimen of medication and close monitoring in school. 

 

I’ve already had to see the teacher at least three times and they’ve only been in school for a month.  For whatever reason, she isn’t eating lunch so that has to be addressed, and then there are the activities the specialists suggest I do with my daughter to help her become more successful. Having a special needs child is something very hard to understand until you live it - it’s fighting with insurance companies for benefits, making sure you do your research before you agree to yet another medication, helping her feel good about herself even though she may be different from other children, keeping up with doctor’s visit, researching the diagnoses you’re given so you know what to do, and the list goes on.

And then there is the guilt. Remember I have two children. My son needs my attention too. He loves sports and shouldn’t be deprived of participating just because I need to focus on his sister. He has homework too and is in the third grade so we are already focused on the overbearing FCAT. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don’t think I give him all of the attention he deserves. I feel bad when I am late to one of his games because his sister has an appointment.

 

I feel guilty when I’m sometimes so tired at the end of the day that I may not remember to ask my husband how his day went. I feel guilty because by the time you work a full day, pick up the kids from aftercare, feed them, check homework and get baths, there’s little time for much else before bed. I haven’t figured out how to balance the needs of two children who are close in age but miles a part in terms of their levels of development. How do I make time to connect with my husband and not focus all of my time away from work on my children?

 

I can’t say that Palin’s decision to accept a place on the ticket is right or wrong. But I do believe that when you have kids you must often put your desires on hold to do whatever is necessary for the children. There was a time when I had big dreams for my career. But today, my biggest dream is to find some way to tip the scale, more time with family, less time with work. The chance to be the first woman on the Republican ticket may be the career move of a lifetime, but the job of mom is the most important one any mother will ever do. If the Republicans win the bid, I’ll be interested to see how this hockey mom pulls it off. Maybe she can give me a few pointers -  I’m still trying to figure it out.

Motherhood Isn't for the Faint of Heart

The church that I attend owns a preschool and after care facility. My children attended preschool there and now attend after their day is done in elementary school.  For the past few weeks I've noticed a little two-year-old who attends the preschool. His such a cute little boy, but I worry about him.

His mother, in her early twenties, doesn't seem to be very interested in him. They got into a car accident a few months ago and had a huge gash on his head.  She brought him to school almost the next day and as the gash healed, she didn't want to keep a bandage on it to cover it until the healing was done, even when preschool workers expressed concern.

She never seems to be happy to see him. He has asthma and some days she doesn't seem very interested in making sure he gets his breathing treatment. He calls everyone mom and I think it's because he is looking for someone to be special to him, to connect to him.

I want to ask her, exactly why did you have a child? I know pregnancy sometimes comes as a surprise, but once you make the conscious decision to become a mom, it's important to do whatever you have to do for that child to be happy and healthy.

Her pregnancy may have been an accident, but she could have given him to someone desperate for a child, but she chose to become a mom. There are many children in this baby's predicament and it makes me sad.

Mothers need to take their jobs seriously.  Having a child is a serious responsibility, one that shouldn't be taken lightly. Children can't take care of themselves. They need care, discipline and someone to make sure they get all of the love and attention their little hearts can hold. 

Sometimes motherhood comes with things we didn't plan on, children who are sick, mentally or physically handicapped. Some have learning disabilities, some have deformities and problems we can only dream of. But no matter what, its your child to love and your responsibility.

But not matter what motherhood brings you, children need the stable support of their parents. Their self esteem is built on it. Every time I see that mom at the preschool I find myself wondering if she will every know the gift she's been given. 

Every moment as a mom isn't filled with warm and fuzzies, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

Confronting My Fears

Ok, so I promised by Monday I would submit this post. I'm a little late, shoot me. I originally wrote this for an essay contest The Today Show was having called Tell Us Your Story. But when I hit submit I kept getting an error message - so I chickened out and never discovered why it wouldn't allow me to send it. Well, the contest deadline has passed but I know I won't truly be able to be effective until I publish this. Let me know what you think. I hope it can be as healing for some as it was for me to write it and as freeing as it is for me to finally publish it.

I have struggled with what I am about to say. To finally put the words down in print in such a major way might seem strange. But it’s important that I do it. My daughter has a mental health disorder. I know this doesn’t make me “special”, many families are in my shoes, but it has changed my life in ways I never imagined.

 

In the Black community, dealing with emotional health isn’t something people talk about. People encourage African Americans to take care of their bodies, but not often do they speak of mental health. The nucleus for many in the Black community is the church - if you’ve got God, you don’t need therapy - pray and God will help you through your difficulties. And for so long, many of us (myself included) felt seeking therapy was something for White people. 

But then, my husband and I decided to adopt through Florida’s child welfare system. We first adopted a son. And then, a year later, we became foster and ultimately adoptive parents to a two-year-old girl. Early on there seemed to me to be problems. She wouldn’t look at you when you spoke to her, or you would ask her a question and she would look right through you. She wasn’t nearly as good at going to the potty as they claimed and she also seemed frightened of her surroundings. At first people told me, it’s because she’s new to your home, give her time. But as she began to prepare for kindergarten, things were getting worse. The mood swings made going in public difficult, she was still nowhere near potty-trained and she could almost never sit still. She slept with her head completely tucked under the cover, so much so I worried she couldn’t get air. If she said something to you and you asked her to repeat it, she would immediately shut down. And still, she would not acknowledge people when they spoke to her.

So, we began a battery of tests and reluctantly I agreed to medication (she is now on 5-6 meds a day). My life has become constant research on her various diagnoses (SAD,OCD,ADHD, SPD, FASD, clinical depression), fighting with the State to meet their obligation and provide the assistance she is entitled to, keeping up with doctor’s visits, fighting over insurance benefits and most importantly, helping her to feel good about who she is no matter what. And that is the reason that I wanted to tell my story. It is still hard for me and my family to say the term mental illness. I know my mother would rather I not talk openly, for my daughter’s sake. I worry about that too. I don’t want people to treat her differently.  But I believe if more African Americans aren’t open about mental illness the stigma I see in my community will never go away and much needed help won’t be sought. I also tell this story to remove the stigma that I still feel about the term mental illness.

 

My daughter’s current medicine regimen seems to be working well and while short of a healing touch from God, there may always be medicines, doctor’s visits, and yes, mental illness – today at 7, she is smart, she is beautiful and she is thriving. This journey has left me in tears many a night, but for my daughter, I am willing to do anything - even confront my private thoughts about what mental illness really means.

 

The Doctor is In

Ok, since I had not been to the doctor before my last post, I figured I owed it to anyone who reads to give you the update. I am healing nicely. But for the next three weeks I can speak only when necessary, otherwise, mums is still the word.

My children have been counting down the days until I could speak. So needless to say this whole only when necessary thing means absolutely nothing to them. I can feel they are beginning to get a little frustrated. I am trying to find the best way to communicate with them but it is a challenge.

Taking care of my children is the one area that this has impacted the most. My son has a basketball game and I can't cheer for him and my daughter - she has multiple appointments that I know I am behind on because I can't speak!

But at this point, I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and figure out a way to make it work. Three weeks is a long time and there is no need to dwell on it any longer, but I did think I at least owed it to anyone reading to know the outcome of my doctor's visit.

One last thing, before the weekend is through, I will post what I think is the most personal thing I've ever written. This time of silence gave me the courage to write it and now I think I've found the courage to post it as well. It's a subject near to me and I hope that some of you will give me your thoughts on it. Tell me if you think I was crazy for posting it, was it too personal? My hope is that it will encourage others struggling with the same issue. Before Monday I'll post it (there I have given myself a deadline). I want to take one more look at it, besides, it's 3:00 a.m. no one is reading anything at this hour.

I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd write, hey, it's not like I can talk to anyone (Sorry, I couldn't resist!).